Amidst free speech debates following the recent purges of Trump critics from entertainment and media, I couldn’t help but remember a time I played my own role in damaging the career of someone I disagreed with politically.

Back during the first Trump era, I spent significant time working with rural anti-fascist organizers in the Pacific Northwest. These were people in small towns who conducted valuable community work, despite very real danger. It’s important to remember that many Oregon counties maintain little police presence and sheriffs often take open right wing political stances. Folks who organized in support of immigrant rights and even simple voting registration drives could frequently only rely on community defense groups for their safety.

Soaking up death threats is just part of being a visible leftist. I’ve been fortunate that most of mine were online observations that people like me should be hung from trees or pushed out of helicopters. Still, my daily hazards are minimal. I’m privileged being a fairly anonymous butchy white man in Portland, Oregon, a city which earned its reputation as a hot spot where fascists committing violence sometimes got beat down or shot for their trouble. 

But out in rural areas, menace arrived more personally. People who stood up against local law enforcement illegally collaborating with federal immigration agencies found their lives in constant peril. I remember one activist showing me a message she received containing information about her children’s grade school and boasting that they would sexually assault her in front of the kids before murdering her whole family. This wasn’t an uncommon example.

Such explicit threats generally came without names attached. However, in 2018, one fascist got careless. A particular small town Oregon activist received a Facebook message from an individual who identified themselves as a school bus operator and stated that if another anti-ICE demonstration took place, they would drive their work vehicle onto the sidewalk and crush every participant. This violent threat came from an authentic social media profile, its author presumably forgetting they hadn’t logged into a burner account. 

It wasn’t hard identifying the bus company and soon I dialed them up, demanding to speak with a supervisor. I expected a brief conversation, probably with someone unwilling to confirm the operator even worked there. Instead I was quickly connected to the individual’s boss, who acknowledged they had recently learned about their employee making murder threats using company property and suspended them. We had a very pleasant conversation about politics for ten minutes and at the end, they actually asked what punishment I felt their driver deserved. 

I was taken aback by this, but as a longtime warehouse foreman myself, naturally had opinions. I explained how if one of my forklift operators got caught, for example, threatening to drive their Daewoo over Americans exercising their 1st Amendment rights, they shouldn’t expect to keep their job. It was obviously much worse that someone entrusted with children’s safety had proposed an explicit terrorist attack, therefore I recommended they be fired. 

The difference, of course, between this individual and the many people terminated from jobs who simply made disparaging remarks about fascist figurehead Charlie Kirk following his assassination, is that speaking ill of the dead is a free speech right, while death threats are not. I remember when the popular leftist historian Howard Zinn died in 2010 and his NPR remembrance contained an embedded rebuttal by the conservative activist David Horowitz who stated that nothing from Zinn’s long legacy deserved “any kind of respect.” This was obviously tacky, and many listeners sent NPR strongly worded e-mails in protest. Yet nobody got fired and Horowitz continued his career umphased. 

The lack of consequences for fascists has only increased since. I don’t care if right wing trolls disrespect Howard Zinn or George Floyd (as Charlie Kirk famously did) after their deaths and I don’t hate fascists because they’re tacky. I hate them because they threaten my children, shoot down my friends, and support politicians openly turning America into an authoritarian state. It’s not much, but I may have taken part in getting one dismissed from their job and that’s a small act of resistance at least.

Late 90s, Portland, Oregon:

The foreman at a construction site downtown beckoned. I set aside my tools and walked over. He sighed loudly. 

“Look guy, you do good work. But we got a problem.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I been gettin’ complaints from the fellas. It’s your fingernails.”

I looked down at both hands. Chipped cobalt blue polish on my left…even more chipped metallic silver on my right.

“Someone doesn’t like my colors?”

“Christ guy! You’re making men here uncomfortable! I don’t care what you do in your personal life but I gotta run a crew here. Make sure it’s all gone tomorrow, ok?”

Though a butchy cis man, I’ve still chafed against gender roles my whole life. As a young boy, I appreciated that my grandmother taught me basic sewing skills, but I’ll never forget the time she caught me playing with fluffy pink fabric. It felt perfect… soft and tactile against my cheek.

Grandma yanked it away, declaring “Pink is a girl color! Here, you can have this.” She handed me a piece of rough blue denim, admonishing: “Play with a boy color.” 

I held the stiff material in both hands, completely perplexed. Colors had genders? How could something so bizarre make sense? I didn’t know yet that my grandmother was only a first generation Pink=Female believer. Her parents, born in the 19th century, had it reversed. They considered pink as embodying supposed hot blooded masculine energy. Blue, on the other hand, was obviously feminine, reflecting the idealized cool temperament of women. 

The older I got, similar social constructions made me increasingly angry. Growing up in the ‘80s and ‘90s, hair metal, punk rock and other features along the pop culture landscape made clear masculinity included pink… plus even more overt femme trappings, from makeup and glitter to spandex. By the time Nirvana released a music video hit in the mid ‘90s wearing dresses, gender bending hardly even felt transgressive. Casual drag was just basic punk attire and as a teenage rivethead, I kept several skirts in regular circulation. Recently I even found a little sketch book that a high school friend drew in 1994 depicting various people from our friend group… her little doodle of me was captioned: FEMBOY.

In fact, when my high school principal Mr. Chin turned fifty, I was recruited to jump out of a giant cardboard cake at an assembly and sing Happy Birthday, a performance I conducted with glee while wearing a silver bra and pink miniskirt. Afterwards he came over and following a sober handshake said: “That was a very courageous thing you did, young man.”

So, despite what right wing idealogues proclaim, gender expression outside the binary has existed forever and very much back in the day. I happily smashed sexuality norms as a femboy who enjoyed wearing makeup and skirts but felt just as comfortable operating power tools in metal and auto shop. Eventually, my interest in activities along the butchy spectrum expanded further, from working in the trades to commercial fishing and firearms training. It’s not that I ever lost my femme side, it’s just become less convenient as I’ve gotten older. However, raising four daughters now provides opportunities for demolishing the old social constructions they sometimes repeat, echoing ignorant phrases overheard in the schoolyard:

“Boys can’t have long hair!”

Really? What about our next door neighbor? His hair is long!

“Only girls play with dolls!”

Noooooo! Anyone can play with whatever toys they like!

“Boys don’t wear fingernail polish!”

Okay girls, let’s test that!

Of course, they love painting my fingernails and toes. Now that professionally I’m the one managing worksites, if men feel uncomfortable seeing day-glo enamel on my fingers, they keep it to themselves. The job that matters most is ensuring my kids learn being honest and kind and responsible are what matters, not what anyone look like. I hope more adults come to understand that also.

In the two weeks since an apparent misidentification between armed individuals at a No Kings march in Salt Lake City caused the death of a bystander, not all details are known, but this tragic event brings up many pressing issues which all militant leftists must contend with. I’m uniquely qualified to comment, after spending much of 2017-2020 assisting with security at political events and actions all over the Northwest, usually as part of a well trained team carrying concealed firearms. This became necessary during Trump era part I, as right wing violence took more and more lives, from Portland to Charlottesville and El Paso to Pittsburgh, etc. Ever since, fascists have never ceased feeling emboldened to threaten any perceived opposition, including even my own children, so I take this work very seriously.

1. You Gotta Be Sure

This can’t be emphasized enough. Open carry of guns is legal in Utah where No Kings security opened fire on a participant who chose to march with their rifle. You gotta be extra aware when operating in a place where open carry is not only legal but common. For example, in 2020 I was asked to assemble a security detail for a Black Lives Matter event organized by local teenagers in rural Washington. Despite this action (largely made up of kids) taking place calmly on public sidewalks, we were confronted by armed militia members. Because my crew was experienced, we correctly assessed their goal was simply intimidation. Firing on grown men carrying AR-15s to scare teenagers would have only invited disaster. 

2. Socially Educate Yourself

We don’t know enough yet, but it’s possible the Utah security officer was unaware leftist gun culture even exists. They may have assumed anyone with a rifle near the parade was a fascist preparing to cause mayhem and fired without thinking further. 

I had an experience in the opposite direction. Many of the individuals I worked with came from the Portland area where visually distinguishing between groups during actions was fairly easy. Patriot Prayer, the Proud Boys, and similar groups always stood out blocks away with their omnipresent red, white, and blue gear. Leftists might brandish black and red flags but rarely the US colors, though this is changing as more mainstream opposition to Trump forms. In 2018 an antifascist contingent I’d invited from Portland came to assist with an event out in the Dalles. They rolled into town after things were underway and several came running up, eyes full of panic. My position was surrounded by American flags and they assumed fascists had overrun the area. It’s important to recognize that leftists and antifascists in rural areas often display the stars and stripes, largely because of small town political dynamics. Unlike in urban areas, it’s not uncommon seeing groups with intergenerational members who might be Democrats, democratic socialists, anarchists and communists who share little besides contempt for Trump. Fortunately my friends didn’t overreact before I could explain that these particular flag wavers were rural antifascists.

3. You Still Gotta Be Sure

Depending on size, some actions contain multiple organizations with overlapping security goals. This may cause potentially dangerous conflicts if not carefully handled. In 2017, a group I worked with was asked to monitor the perimeter of a political gathering in Portland. A bunch of SHARPS (anti-racist skinheads) showed up and as the event grew larger than anticipated, we began sharing responsibilities with them. At one point towards the end, as evening fell, some SHARPS came running in pursuit of a couple men they claimed were fascist agitators. I followed with another member of my team, while leaving the rest in place. It quickly became apparent that the alleged fascists were possibly misidentified and at the very least, no longer a threat to the crowd. Because myself and my comrade were armed to prevent harm against the gathering and things were growing contentious, we immediately withdrew. Risking escalated conflict in a darkened urban area over questionable identification was clearly bad news. Sometimes the correct course of action is simply backing off.

4. Read the Room

Every political event is different and requires flexible tactics toward keeping people safe. Smaller actions and gatherings make this easier. Organizers decide what security they want based on danger levels and public perception concerns, then reach out to groups they feel compatible with. Sometimes the ask is different than what I might personally choose, but I always suggest exercising humility. Just because something worked once in a particular small town doesn’t mean I’m an expert on social and political dynamics everywhere. Local organizers know their community best and should be respected.

Typical requests I’ve received in the past included: 

( a ) concealed carry, fully blend with the crowd

( b ) no firearms, visible armbands or vests provided

( c ) concealed carry, wear body armor/tactical gear

In some high threat situations the ask might include long guns. Notably, in 2022, one such gathering in Portland was attacked by an armed fascist who ultimately killed two and wounded three others before several well placed shots took him down. This case of community defense was inspirational, yet worked in a very specific situation. There’s a big difference between participating in a coordinated action where organizers and security agree on what armed element is appropriate and conversely in Utah, where one lone man showed up at a large liberal protest march with no obvious insignia and a scary black rifle. 

That day, everyone failed to read the room. No Kings security should have been aware that open carrying rifles is legal in Salt Lake City and not everyone who does so is a dangerous fascist. The armed leftist should have recognized that their presence added little to march security and might set the stage for a fatal misunderstanding. 

5. You Absolutely Gotta be Sure

Much discussion in gun culture focuses around when self defense with a firearm is permitted. The short conclusion is only when a deadly threat becomes imminent. You can’t shoot someone slashing a knife at you from across the street, but inside your bedroom is much different. A person pointing a gun is clearly a threat, but not if the threatening object is really an airsoft or water pistol. This is important to consider while operating security at political events. Fascists enjoy shooting paintball guns from car windows and sometimes brandish real firearms. 

Likewise, vehicles may present a deadly threat, but at what point? If antifascists at Unite The Right in 2017 had fired on the car accelerating toward them before it drove through the crowd, they would likely be in prison for murder. Fascists know all this and rely on it. I can’t count the number of times at rallies and marches where trucks swerved towards pedestrians, breaking away at the last moment while occupants screamed epithets and pointed something at us.

Because the price of making a bad judgment call is so enormous, being sure in reality simply means that antifascists can’t afford to fire in self defense until attackers have already began taking lives. It doesn’t feel good being held to a higher standard- after all, we know that if a convoy of leftists drove through Republican strongholds in Texas while pointing real guns and shooting off paintball guns, armed citizens would mow them down with no fear of conviction. Still, if our true goal is keeping attendees at events safe, we gotta be sure every time.

My block looks much like America.

A mix of mid-century development with homeowners, rental properties, flag lots… even one small elder care retirement home. The community is still mostly white, but that’s changing.

I’m a white man with a Black wife and four mixed daughters. One of my children is trans and a few nights ago she came out of her bedroom, tearfully asking me in the kitchen:

“Is it illegal to be a trans kid?”

I hope she found comfort in my assurance that some people want trans kids illegal…but we will always keep her safe, no matter what.

Another household on my block is a blended family. Two white bio-children, one of them non-binary, with an adopted Black sibling. The neighborhood kids encountered little difficulty using they/them pronouns. They care a lot about friends being fun, who know how to share, can count to thirty during hide-and-seek without cheating and sing the best handclap songs. None of them care about pronouns.

I hope adults learn from them.

That same family hosted several Venezuelan immigrants over nearly a year. The adults scrambled for work, finding whatever jobs would let them eke out a living. Neighborhood kids played with their children, trading Spanish and English words, everyone absorbing something new.

I hope they get the same chances my grandparents had for building a better life.

One older white man moved away from the block a few years ago. He had a Trump sticker on his car. Unlike antifascist friends of mine in smaller towns, nobody slashed his tires. Nobody threatened to murder his children. Nobody published his address on the internet amidst a campaign of death threats. No police officers posted his photo on their precinct Facebook pages calling him an “undesirable” community member. I guess maybe he didn’t feel comfortable as the block changed.

I hope he finds peace wherever he is now.

Two neighbors on the block are a Black and white gay couple. They’ve wanted to adopt for years and finally last week I spotted one of them walking down the street, his arms holding an infant bundled up against the January chill. I can’t wait to see their kid grow into another member of the happy legions who rampage around our neighborhood on dented bikes, building tree houses and sticking band-aids on scraped knees.

I hope their marriage remains legal.

Another family on our block is white and Asian with mixed children. One of the kids is non-binary and still experimenting with pronouns. I remember the first time their father told me, his voice hesitant… unsure if I was safe to admit this with. He felt so relieved upon hearing about my own trans kid.

I hope someday we can talk about our families without fear.

One white man on the block wears a Blue Lives Matter hoodie. Before his wife left him, we often heard them screaming at each other from inside their house. Some weeks the police showed up multiple times responding to domestic violence calls that other neighbors dialed in. They had a teenage daughter who dyed her hair blue or pink. A few years back she committed suicide, hanging herself from a limb of the giant oak tree that spreads across their backyard.

The man has another kid, an awkward son who clumps down the block with headphones covering both ears. Once I overheard him chanting, a repeat of some media, perhaps music or a news broadcast… his voice calling out:

USA! USA! USA!

I hope that USA means an America we can all live in.